If you have been following this blog you have probably noticed that I write about fear a lot. A LOT. It is on purpose. So many, perhaps all of our thoughts, feelings and actions (or inaction) are fueled by fear.
What will my parents think?
What if that makes me look bad? Stupid? Selfish?
What if they disagree?
What if I am wrong?
What if I fail?
Is this the right decision?
We spend so much time trying to make the “perfect” decision that we can end up not making a decision at all. As I have mentioned before, indecision is a decision. Have you ever thought to yourself “How did I end up here?” or blamed your circumstances on someone else or the choices they made? Welcome to the world of indecision.
Maybe you thought a circumstance wasn’t worth fighting for even though you had some strong feelings about the situation. Your daughter’s newest boyfriend selection. Your wife’s increased shopping sprees. Your son’s reckless driving that totaled out the second car. You notice something is amiss but you’re not quite sure what to do. And why say anything at all? It’s just going to end up in a fight and you won’t get your way in the long run, so why bother? Only to reinforce your feelings that your words don’t mean anything. You aren’t important. Look at how easily your opinion and beliefs are railroaded by your insecurities. Also notice at how the choice to say and do nothing was motivated by fear.
Sometimes we make decisions we think are right for someone else but it wasn’t what we felt we “should’ve” done. They seemed to know what they wanted and we want to make sure they are happy, but somehow you are still not happy. What looks like compromise and sacrifice could be considered indifferent. Either way, if a consequence were to fall it would not fall on you because it hadn’t been your decision. False. Ambivalence has a whirlwind of consequence. But usually we don’t notice until a decade or so has passed by and we suddenly awaken like from a bad dream wondering how we ended up in the deep end barely keeping our head above water.
It is time we woke up. Wake up from our passivity, our indifference, our apathy and indecision and acknowledge that our choices have an impact. That we can direct the impact our choices have with even the smallest efforts! Consider how much energy we put into avoiding pain, anticipating the worse case scenario when we could be putting that same energy into achieving the very dreams that are written in and on our hearts. Stop waiting for someone else to do the very thing that you were created for. You are needed.
Regardless of where you are, you still have more life in front of you right now. The ONLY thing you have at any given moment is just that, this moment. And even that has now passed. We are only given so much time on this planet. We spend so much of that time hating every square inch of ourselves, dreading and enduring the lives we have created, struggling, wrestling and living in fear.
We are not intended to live in fear. Fear is the opposite of freedom. When we live in fear we are unable to be present, to see what it right in front of us. We are so focused on what we do not have, what could go wrong and how unhappy that makes us. When we focus on the worse case scenario we go into hiding, we medicate, we hunker down and hope that the storm doesn’t hit us, at the very least, it doesn’t hit while we’re sober. I have good news,
You are free.
We are intended to feel equipped and capable to step into the lives we were intended for, the lives we choose. It just happens to be really scary. Which should be okay because we already are living in fear anyways! Although we may find ourselves in unbearable circumstances we must decide to not live out of our fears. We have to choose freedom. Stand firm in who you are. At the very least, be yourself without compromising who you are at your core. You matter, your life’s work matters, your decisions, big and small matter. Please choose wisely.
Freedom is a life where the heart can be wide open. Vulnerable to both joy and pain but knowing that it is capable of handling both. Freedom is living in truth and honesty even if that means I will look like an awful person as a result. Freedom is not the fear of consequence, but the understanding that no matter what, there will be one. So I better make my choices count from here on out.
Ashlee Secord, LMFT, is a counselor in the south metro area of Minneapolis and St. Paul. Contact her today to determine how you can begin generating decisions that move you toward your goals, dreams and passions.
I had a young woman in my office several weeks ago, we’ll call her Janine. Janine has been looking for a career change for some time and in the course of her search she and her boyfriend broke up. Although she knew there was a possibility of this coming she stated that she didn’t know who she was without him in her life and was very sad about the new physical and emotional distance between them. She had come to rely on him in so many areas of her life that it became easy to have self-confidence in who she was and rested easy in the life and decisions they made together. In his recent absence she became less self-assured. Her confidence seemed to disappear and new questions and doubts arose: “Who am I without him?” “Am I loveable?” “What did I do wrong?” “What do I want?” “What is the truth?” You could see that she genuinely struggled with losing this young man that had come to mean so much to her, but reluctantly let go at his request.
As is to be expected, Janine felt lost and unsure of how to rely on herself again. She seemed flooded with emotions that she typically didn’t have to deal with on her own up until now. Simply, she didn’t know what to do next. I brought her attention back to her job search momentarily and asked, “What will you be like when you have your dream job? Who will you be then?”
She thought for a minute and the first word that came of out of her mouth was “Confident.” I ask her to keep going. “Respected, honest, a leader, creative, and easy to talk to.” The list came easily for her. Although she did not know what her Dream Job was, she knew EXACTLY who she was, who she would be, in that ideal role.
I return back to where she is in this moment. The confusion. The sadness. The lost girl still longing for what she had. I remind her that her boyfriend did not give her the qualities that she enjoyed about herself while they were together, they had been there all along. Even now, amidst the pain and frustration and sorrow she can be the woman she knows she can be with or without her Dream Job, with or without her boyfriend. It is simply who she is.
Deep down we know who we are, who we are intended to be, but we tend to think that all the circumstances have to be just right. We are each incredible individuals. Even amidst our pain, anguish, mistakes, challenges, weaknesses and trials we are able to make a tremendous impact on the world around us. Regardless of the trials you face, lost support, or pain you endure don’t become derailed. Your circumstances haven’t changed who you truly are, who you have been all along, they are shaping you into who you are becoming. Remember who you are, keep your eyes open and never lose sight of path set out before you.
You are needed.
Ashlee Secord is Marriage and Family Therapist in the suburbs of Minneapolis/St. Paul. Contact Ashlee to begin the counseling process of discovering who you are in light of the circumstances you have endured.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re not getting anything done? That no matter WHAT you do there is always more? Life can begin to feel redundant, like you’re just going through the motions. This is a dangerous place to be because our words and actions can begin to feel …pointless. If our words and actions do not matter in our minds eye then we begin to make decisions more and more flippantly. We tend to think, “What is the big deal?” On the other hand, we can become passive, thinking no word or action is better than saying or doing anything at all. That way no one will get hurt. If I do nothing then there will be no consequence.
In both situations there is an aimlessness. There is no direction. In the first example it is like driving a car down a highway and taking the first exit you see, regardless if it is your exit or not. The second is like driving a car without having your hands on the steering wheel at all. In either instance you will end up somewhere, time stops for no one. In either instance it will unlikely be the destination you intended.
What is your intention? Where do you want to be? What is the desire of your heart? The answer to these questions is where our lives begin to take form: when we begin to create a vision, a purpose. Call it what you will, but once you have it your thoughts, feelings and actions all move toward it. No longer are your decisions meaningless. They carry a weight. They now have the capacity to bring you closer or further from your vision. Each day and the opportunities therein are each brushstrokes, investments, and deposits toward that end goal, the big picture. You have the capacity to change your life one day at a time.
Allow me to add a disclaimer:
No matter what you decide, passively or intentionally, there will be consequences. Regardless of what we do or do not do we will end up “somewhere.” We cannot avoid it. So, be honest, would you rather reap the consequences that came from following your heart, trusting your gut and pursuing your dreams or the consequences of living in fear and indecision?
What direction are you headed? As always, the choice is only yours.
Ashlee Secord is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Burnsville, MN. She provides counseling to individuals, couples and families seeking to improve relationships and communication.
99% of us live in fear.
Okay, I just made that number up, but think about it. Think about what motivates us or propels us into action or inaction. Do you get up and go to work because you love what you do or because if you don’t you won’t get paid. And we all know what happens when we don’t get paid. Do you slow your car below the speed limit when you spot a cop car? Do you tell your friend that her dress doesn’t look like it fits anymore or just let her wear it out? Do you tell your husband that you just dropped $500 at the casino? That you hid a bottle of booze in the bathroom cabinet? That you ate an entire container of ice cream?
Here are some other words for fear that you might be more familiar with: anxiety, worry, shame, and guilt. Do you experience any of these feelings during your week? Daily? We tend to organize our entire lives around trying to manage these feelings, appropriately or not. Instead of challenging the lie, we medicate it. At least then it doesn’t feel so true.
Fear is so prevalent in so many lives, but what are we SO afraid of?
In short? Everything.
Influenza, gas prices, getting old, getting fat, what’s for dinner, the mortgage, babies, baby proofing, eating healthy, working enough, playing enough, cleaning, laundry, dishes, teenage drivers, drunk drivers, drunk teenage drivers!
And that is a SHORT list.
Although these are legitimate external concerns are they the actual root of our fears? Of our anxiety, worry, shame and guilt? Or does something deeper lie beneath the surface? In my first blog about transforming your inner voice, I brought up negative personal messages. I believe that THIS is what we fear most of all: that these messages are true.
“I am not enough.”
“I am unlovable.”
“I am alone.”
“I am not wanted.”
“I am a failure.”
“I’ll never measure up.”
It is these messages that coat us in fear. So long as we believe these messages are true we cannot experience reprieve from fear. These lies prevent us from experiencing that “peace” and “calm” we hear so much about. Until we reveal the negative messages for what they are: lies, we continue to make decisions and choices based out of fear. And Let me let you in on a little secret: they’re all lies. Every single one of them. Trust me.
If you would like help uncovering what your negative messages are and discover the truth about who you are contact Ashlee Secord, LMFT for a counseling session at her office in Burnsville, MN.
“A poet should be so crafty with words that he is envied even for his pains.” – Criss Jami
When I hold my Confident Women workshops we discuss changing negative self-talk, transforming negative personal messages and becoming confident in all of who we are, the good and the bad. When we become comfortable with all of who we are, we become less judgmental or hard on ourselves. We can then be confident with all parts of ourselves, not just the parts we deem “acceptable”.
In addition to encouraging women to be more confident in all aspects of who they are I add this disclaimer, “Although you are now confident, this does not mean life will get easier.” Confidence is certainly easier to muster in situations that are not conflicted, confrontational or without stress. However, it certainly is tried when we come across taxing circumstances.
What is there to be confident about in difficult circumstances? That although our circumstances have become difficult, there is nothing actually different about who we are. Just because Jessica recently lost her job does not mean that she is no longer smart, beautiful, compassionate or supportive. Her circumstances have not changed who she is.
Will she struggle? Yes. Will it be difficult? Probably.
She still has a choice. She can choose to struggle by becoming a victim of her experience (“My boss is such a sad excuse of a human being!”), which paralyzes her from taking any action, until the circumstance is remedied. Or, with confidence, she has the wherewithal to know that her circumstances are temporary and that she will do all that she can to continue in the direction she was intended for. She might even consider that this happened for a reason, that it was time to step in a new direction but she didn’t know how to take that next step. Either way she WILL struggle.
Circumstances can be difficult to overcome. Given the circumstances that we find ourselves in it is important to remain true to who we are and who we are intended to be, courageously. We must keep an eye out and follow the path that is right for who we are even if it is not the popular path to take.
Remember, you are the one who must be satisfied with decisions you make when you go to sleep at night. No one else. You must be the one to endure your life on a day-to-day basis. No one else. Your decisions and indecisions have brought you where you are today. Where would you like to be tomorrow?
Be confident in the fact that no matter what happens you are capable of handling what comes your way. It is at that point that the true crafting of your life, your heart and your character is created. If you must suffer, why not make it worth your while? Why not have something to show for it when the suffering ends? We were not intended to endure. We were intended to live.
Ashlee Secord is a Marriage and Family Therapist in the south metropolitan area of Minneapolis and St. Paul. If you would like to discuss therapy, your difficult circumstances and how to remain confident in them contact her by phone or email today.
I think it is safe to say that none of us think too highly of ourselves. For the most part we wait until we have achieved a goal, completed a task or are complimented. THEN, then we might begin to believe there is something more to who we are. Albeit, momentarily.
Why is it so hard to believe? What is so difficult about knowing that you were intended for something amazing, creative and life changing? Why is it even more difficult to know that this is true about us? Each of us?
Simply? I have so much evidence that proves otherwise. I assume that for each incredible thing about me, I have 100 others that are despicable. I mean, legitimately despicable. The bad outnumbers the good, therefore I am not good. And if I am not good, how could I possibly make a difference? Be remarkable? Live without fear?
So long as I have the belief that I must be “perfect” in order to be “good” how will I ever achieve it? The illusion is that perfection exists. That perfection is good. And I think that if I achieve it then I will be worthy, have worth, and be trustworthy. Not before then. Do you see how I have set myself up for failure? I am spending, no, I am WASTING so much time attempting to be something, someone I am not instead of appreciating who I am, where I have come from and the choices I have made. Those choices have brought me to where I am now, which is the only thing I have: this moment.
I will never have this moment again and I can spend that time regretting, striving, pressing, controlling, hating every square inch of who I am but it will never take me where I want to go. Oh, but it will take me somewhere and it isn’t pretty.
On the other hand, I can start making new decisions. Decisions to see myself for all that I am: the good and the bad. Then realize that regardless of my errors, mistakes and flaws I am acceptable, loveable, competent and, most of all, human. I am the only one responsible for how my life unfolds and how I feel about it. It is my decisions (or lack thereof) that brought me precisely to this point. Lucky for us, this isn’t the end. There are so many points ahead.
So, where do you want to go from here?
Ashlee Secord is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Burnsville, MN. Contact her for more information regarding taking steps toward change in your personal life as well as in relationships.
We have high expectations for ourselves. If you are reading a blog written by a therapist I can surmise that you have read a self-help book or two on how to do something different in your life. I can surmise that you have both desired change and pursued it in some way shape or form.
I’m curious what initiated this change. Do you have an overwhelming sense to enrich yourself and “grow” interpersonally? Are you tired of how you look in the mirror? Do you become anxious in the same situation with the same people? What gives?
We are unsettled.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to knock anyone for trying to improve upon who they are, to better their lives. Remember, I’m a therapist! What I am talking about is the compulsion that propels us in that direction. We are typically unsatisfied with who we are, what we see in the mirror and use that repulsion as the flame under our foot to generate change in our life.
For example, if Jenny looks in the mirror and sees that she has 20-25 pounds to lose she thinks, “Ugh, I am so fat!” She does this enough times that she is fed up with how she feels when she looks at herself and gets a gym membership and joins a spinning class.
So what’s wrong with that? Jenny is making a decision to change the way she feels about herself by attempting to lose the weight that causes her so much distress. The problem is what is fueling her actions. The problem is that Jenny doesn’t see the excess 20-25 pounds as a cue or possible imbalance in her life, she views it as unacceptable, deeming her unacceptable. “I’m so fat!” and if she is fat, then she is ugly, and who wants to love someone that is ugly? No one. Unacceptable.
She’s not addressing the ACTUAL problem.
Is she overweight? It sounds like it. But why is this physical imbalance present? She’s putting a Band-Aid on a broken bone.
She is driven by a disgust with herself. The belief is that WHEN she loses said weight THEN she will not be fat, not ugly, not unacceptable. She will THEN be worth loving. She is living with the lie that she is unacceptable based on experiences she had BEFORE she ever gained weight. In short, her actions are propelled by fear.
We have high expectations for our selves and very little compassion. Yes, improve. Yes, grow interpersonally. Yes, discover who you were meant to be. Also remember that this is the only moment you have and accepting yourself in this moment, as is, is essential to becoming who you were always intended to be.
Ashlee Secord provides therapy to couples, families and individuals who experience anxiety and depression symptoms on a daily basis but do not understand why.
Does it ever feel like the people that you are closest to treat you like chopped liver?
Your husband repairs the neighbors garage door while your garbage disposal waits to be installed.
Your mom is a gracious host to your friends but was yelling at you to clean your room less than hour ago.
You plan coffee dates with your girlfriends but become ungrateful when your husband asks you to bring him the lunch he left at home.
It is like we care more about what other people think than the people closest to us. Why is that?
Before we get married and start a family we only have ourselves to worry about. We are solely responsible for what we say, eat, drink, spend, and wear. Through these actions we are communicating. We are attempting to have others think and feel a certain way about us based on the picture we paint through these words and actions. For example, Harry would like you to perceive him as important. He wears new clothes, drives a nice car, works long hours, and picks up the tab when he is out with friends. He seems to have “arrived”. Harry only has to navigate his actions in his attempts to ensure his audience perceives him as important.
To create a more thorough image, let’s imagine Harry on a stage. On this stage he is doing his interpretive dance to communicate and express his life to his audience. All of his actions/dancing are a demonstration of “importance” so that anyone who happens to see him could only infer that Harry is important.
But the whole reason he is doing a song and dance on this stage is because he ultimately feels as though he is NOT important. Ultimately, Harry feels like he is replaceable. But the audience cannot know that under any circumstance. Harry must maintain the audience’s thoughts to ensure that he does not feel replaceable. So long as “they” think he is important, he does not have to worry about feeling replaceable.
Lets fast forward to Harry’s future: he has a spouse and children. The members of his family are not a part of the audience, they are now a part of his song and dance on stage. He has added dance team members. And now he must attempt to control their dance number so that the audience continues to see him as important. Not only as an important individual, but an important husband and father, as well. Added pressure. When a member of his family falls out of his inferred choreography he runs the risk of being exposed as replaceable.
Our actions are too often navigated by what we think other people are thinking. We create a song and dance for people that may or may not even be watching. This is not freedom. This is a personal imprisonment, only we’re the prisoner AND the guard. Our prison sentence ends when we step off the stage and allow ourselves to be who we were intended to be regardless of what others may think or feel.
Ashlee Secord is a Marriage and Family Therapist serving the metropolitan area of Minneapolis/St. Paul. Contact her today to set up an appointment and begin reducing negative self-talk, increasing self-confidence and living the life you were intended.
Why is it so difficult to make even the simplest decisions?
Occasionally it feels like I am not the only one weighing in on my decisions. There is a bit of “background noise” present, an audience that seems to be not too far off. Although I cannot see them, they can see me. The audience is watching me, judging my every move. All. Of. The. Time. Not only can they see me but also they rarely like what they see. Here are few samples of what I’ve heard them say,
“THAT’S what you’re wearing?”
“You could’ve done better.”
“You should have been more prepared.”
“You made the wrong decision.”
I notice a few things happening when the audience’s volume goes up. First, I DO NOT want them to say those things about me. Secondly, I try to avoid the audience’s judgments by changing my actions, regardless if those actions are appropriate for my life or not. I am motivated to keep the audience quiet.
For example, Cindy loves to read and write. She has several books that she has started on her nightstand and keeps a journal that she gets to about once or twice a week. When she does take the time to do one or even both, there is a sense of fulfillment that is quickly interrupted by guilt. The audience chimes in, “You have a sink full of dishes.” “You’re so lazy.” “What do you even have to write about?” “You don’t deserve to relax.”
Here is the rub.
Even when we attempt to do the things we love or are passionate about we run into this static that makes it so difficult to simply enjoy it. Now, imagine if the choice was that much bigger. Instead of choosing to take time to read and relax the decision is for Cindy to change careers or pursue a passion? Can you imagine the volume and ridicule of the audience then? They are relentless.
So who is this audience? Why do they have so much power? How is it that my actions pivot so heavily on what they think and say about me?
At first glance it would be easy to associate society or our community to our audience. The ever-present “they”. This is often where we assume so many negative thoughts are coming from. But, no, we are our audience. The audience is our biggest critic, our negative personal messages exposed as described in my first blog here. They are so loud because they expose everything we think and feel about ourselves. So we avoid it. We don’t want to run the risk of our negative messages being true so our audience is like an alarm system for our negative messages. ALERT! ALERT! You’re probably going to fail! ALERT! You are going to get hurt! ALERT! We don’t like to get hurt.
The audience does NOT like to risk, be hurt, or exposed. Until we uncover how to turn down the volume of the audience and reduce the static, we are stuck. So long as the audience’s opinion matters we are trapped being who we think we should be instead of who we are intended to be.
Ashlee Secord is passionate about reducing negative self-talk and helping her clients discover the ultimate vision and purpose in life. Contact Ashlee today if you are interested in receiving counsel/therapy regarding how to improve the way you think and feel about yourself.
I frequently fall victim to the mindset that I will be happy when I (fill in the blank). I work with clients on a daily basis that seem to be waiting for a day or a moment to arrive so life can begin. I’m sure you can relate. Do any of these statements sound familiar?
I will be happy when:
I lose 30 pounds.
I quit my job.
I have a bigger house.
I start school.
I get married.
I get divorced.
When will life begin for you? What do you need for it to begin today? How will you know when it has started?
Finish this statement: I will be happy when ___________________.
The illusion is that we cannot be happy until that blank is filled. Until then we tend to put everything and everyone else on hold. The blank represents so much. Since we have not achieved it it then becomes something we are not. Since I have not achieved the deepest desire of my heart, then why should I be happy? If I have not filled in my blank then I am a failure. Once I succeed, THEN I can begin living. THEN I can be happy.
Unfortunately, life does not stop. Just because you took the batteries out of a clock does not mean time stops. Our days continue to pass, as well as the opportunities therein. Not making a decision is still a decision.
The truth is that we are choosing to hold off on enjoying life now, as some form of sacrifice, in order to some day fill in that blank. To one day have happiness. Indeed, we are sacrificing. We are sacrificing the only thing we have: now.
Right now we have so many opportunities and choices. At this moment we have opportunities to feel, speak, act, do, and be. Each moment we can make an investment toward filling in our blank while living our daily lives … or not. Each moment we are making a choice. We choose whether or not we will allow our present circumstances to make us or break us.
There is a scene in the movie Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne, an imprisoned banker, finds himself with an opportunity. He has brief access to a record player and a box of records. While the guard is in the bathroom, Andy leaps at the opportunity, selects a record and begins playing an Italian operatic vignette. He plays it first just in the room he is in, then to the entire yard of prisoners over the loudspeaker system. He reclines and enjoys, reprimand inevitable, but an opportunity arose and in the face of punishment he does not turn the music off. Instead? He turns it up.
We have a choice in each moment we are given regardless of our circumstances. The illusion is that there is a destination. I’m sure you have heard the cliché, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” That’s the punch line: we have already arrived. The light has turned green. The gun has been shot. You have the right of way.
So what are you waiting for?
Connect with Ashlee Secord via email at ashlee@thrivetherapymn.com for questions regarding how you can begin making changes in your life to begin living instead of enduring. Ashlee is a Marriage and Family Therapist serving the south metro. Her office is located in Burnsville, MN.