Ashlee Secord, MA, LMFT

Last week we began the conversation regarding how our negative personal messages propel us in directions intended to keep others from discovering those messages. For example, I proposed that I had the negative message that “I am a failure” and had made up my mind that if I became a championship bowler it would prevent anyone from discovering that I was a failure, underneath it all.

But what happens when I do fail?  Suppose that I sprain my wrist, or worse, break my wrist and do irreparable damage? I no longer have the means to demonstrate that I am NOT a failure and I am clearly exposed to be one after all.  What now?

First, I would like to point out a few things that are occurring above that might go unnoticed:

1. I believe that I am a failure.  To me this is true.
2. I am under the impression that bowling paints a picture to my “audience” (family, friends, coworkers) that I am not a failure.
3. I am relying on that audience to tell me who I am: that I am not a failure based on my performance.
4. So long as the audience does not see me fail then I am not a failure

In short, I am performing for this audience in a specific way so that I will be perceived in such a way that disproves my message. I am holding other people responsible for the way I think and feel about myself. Can you see how I am on thin ice? I would barely hand over my car keys to a fraction of this audience but I am so eagerly handing over my self-worth? Not my smartest decision.

So now what? I can no longer bowl. I still feel like a failure and now I can’t even let my friends tell me I’m not? Where do I go from here?

The first step is believing that the old message is a lie.  This alone can be a hurdle.  But if we can begin to question its authenticity then we can create room for truth. What is my truth?

Lets keep it simple. Lets start with the opposite of the lie. For example, the opposite of failure is success. Now, that does not seem to fit for me. It is important that it fits.  It is important that you can believe the new message is true. So I look for other words (right click/scroll/Synonyms): achievement, winner, competent, skilled. Competent. I try it on. “I am competent.” That fits. Competent does not mean that I will never make another mistake or fail again but it implies that I will know when I have and how to correct it. It implies that I will continue to improve and I will know what to do in light of obstacles.

As I start to live and interact out of my new message a few things begin to shift:

1. I have decided that my new message is true and that my old message is false.
2. My new message encompasses all of my actions without judgment.
3. There is no longer an audience to perform for.
4. I am solely responsible for how I think and feel about myself.

When I live out of my new message, my true message, I am able to live freely.  I am no longer dependent upon what I think others are thinking about me. My focus remains on my truth and my decisions, thoughts and actions are all made based on what is appropriate for me and my life’s circumstances, no one else’s.

Ashlee Secord, MA, LMFT provides counseling to individuals, families and couples in the south metro.