Ashlee Secord, Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist in the Minneapolis/St. Paul Area

Connect

190 S. River Ridge Circle
Suite 208
Burnsville, MN 55337
Directions

(612) 568-6050
ashlee@thrivetherapymn.com

off

Have you ever found yourself really irritated with something your significant other did?

No?  How long have you been together, a week?  Maybe less?  I joke, but for the most part, I believe it is safe to assume that we have all been irritated with the people we are closest and most intimate with.

How does this happen?  At one point in the relationship it felt as though neither of us could do wrong.  All errors would be forgiven. Life would be good regardless of the circumstances we would face together.

Yep.  Until the dishes overflow for the 3rd day in a row, the honey-do list stacks up without a single project crossed off or the third week has gone by without sex …again.

Instead of any of these (or your own unique circumstance) being an isolated incident: the dishes are simply not done. They are interpreted through the filter of our negative messages, which I started talking about in my first blog HERE, and that is when things begin to go haywire.

So lets say the individual who sees that the dishes are not done for 3 days in a row has one or all of the following messages: “I am not a priority,” or “I don’t matter,” or “I am alone.” Is it so far fetched for them to see the undone dishes and take it personally? They have “plugged in” to the actions (or inaction) of their spouse and determined that their actions say something negative about them. Since my spouse did not do the dishes, they do not care about me.

Since we are each individuals and our worlds center on our thoughts and interpretations we have a tendency to forget that others are having their own experience, as well. We tend to assume that the actions and words of others are against us, an attempt to hurt us. Since we interpret their actions and are feeling pain as result we assume this is true. We’re plugged in to their actions and their actions are directly interpreted through our messages.  Now, if only I could get them do things my way, I wouldn’t have to hear all these negative messages!

Now let us unplug from our significant other and see the truth:  The dishes are not done.

That’s it.

Well, it is not quite that simple. If something is out of the ordinary in your relationship, it is important to be curious with other person. While the circumstance may be causing you hurt remember that there is more than one experience occurring and to compassionately begin looking for a possible reason why things are out of the ordinary. It may have absolutely nothing to do with you. Do you see how this is different from assuming they are trying to hurt us?

Too often we attach our meaning to people or things that are ill equipped and, to be honest, not responsible for giving us our value. Yes, including our spouses. If we are not plugged in (relying on others to tell us how we feel about ourselves) we can allow others and ourselves to think, feel and act without attaching so much value to it. Without attaching so much judgment to it. We are free to be who we are and those closest to us are free to be who they are.  A win-win.

When we are plugged in to others we are literally imprisoned to what they say and do.  We were having a good day until (enter perceived offense here).  Just because we have attached meaning to their actions and words does not necessarily mean they are saying something about us. We interpret it to be saying something about us. When, in all honesty, the words and actions of others are actually saying volumes about them.

So long as we are “plugged in” to the words, actions or behaviors of others and rely on them to keep our negative messages at bay we are constantly at their mercy.  What they say and do will be an ongoing report card of how we are doing in life. We no longer hold the reigns to our own life. That is, until we take matters into our own hands.

 

Ashlee Secord is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Burnsville, MN.  She is passionate about helping couples improve their communication so they can continue to encourage one another freely instead of defensively.

We all have a history, a place that we came from. Each of our stories is unique and includes little facets and details about who we are. I’m sure we could each look through our past and the memories that come trickling or flooding back and find an entire spectrum of emotion: joy, pain, happiness, sorrow, elation, fear, embarrassment, confidence and insecurity. It is from our history that we find evidence of why we are who we are and why we do what we do.

Upon review of our histories, our stories, we can see at least two things happening:  we have innate qualities/personalities and we have circumstances that we have experienced and made decisions about both the circumstances and ourselves as a result. Allow me to expand:

Our innate qualities coincide with the stories that exemplify characteristics of who we are, who we have always been, effortlessly and consistently. This is who we have been all along and continued to develop insomuch as we were acknowledged, encouraged or discouraged by others or our self.

For example, as both a child and an adult John has been outgoing in reaching out to people he did not know. His parents and teachers frequently praised him for his natural outreach. This is who he is regardless of the circumstances he found himself in.

Our circumstantial qualities are the decisions we have made about ourselves based on the circumstances we found ourselves in. It is because of the situation that we now act, think and behave in a certain way. Had that event NOT occurred it is possible that we would no longer think a certain way about ourselves.

For example, John had been bullied about being over-weight throughout elementary and middle school and decided that he was worth less than his thinner peers. Based on John’s experience he has now drawn a conclusion of who he is.

Where I would like to focus my attention is on the latter, the circumstantial qualities. It is here that the majority of my clients get “stuck.”

I could say with some certainty that we have all experienced a circumstance that seems to be preventing us from becoming the person we know we could be. These circumstances could include small, repeat and/or even traumatic offenses.

By no means do I want to belittle anyone’s experiences when discussing an offense.  Hear me out when I say that the offense is less important than your PERCEPTION of the offense.  Regardless of how big or small it may have been, what you decided about it is the most important part of your story.

It is our perception that had this event not occurred then we would not feel this way about ourselves.  Like John, if he hadn’t been bullied, he could then be confident about himself.  Not only does he believe he would be more confident, but also possibly then he could lose the weight.

I distinguish between the offense and our perception of the offense because we can only change one of them: our perception.  It is here that we can begin to become “unstuck.”  Living out of decisions we made about our past 5, 10, 20+ years ago is no longer of benefit. In fact, it is probably re-offending us on a regular basis. John is now 30 years old and still feels as though he is worth less than his peers even though he is no longer being bullied, even though the actual offense is no longer present. How much more time will he give to his offense  How much more of his life is he going to dedicate to an experience he had over 15 years prior?

That is up to John. Until he begins to change his perception of his offenses and begins to see the number of days he has ahead to live as he chooses, John will continue to be at the mercy of his previous circumstances.

 

Contact Ashlee Secord today if you are interested in changing your perception about your life and begin stepping down a new path. Ashlee is a therapist in Burnsville, MN.

Last week we began the conversation regarding how our negative personal messages propel us in directions intended to keep others from discovering those messages. For example, I proposed that I had the negative message that “I am a failure” and had made up my mind that if I became a championship bowler it would prevent anyone from discovering that I was a failure, underneath it all.

But what happens when I do fail?  Suppose that I sprain my wrist, or worse, break my wrist and do irreparable damage? I no longer have the means to demonstrate that I am NOT a failure and I am clearly exposed to be one after all.  What now?

First, I would like to point out a few things that are occurring above that might go unnoticed:

  1. I believe that I am a failure.  To me this is true.
  2. I am under the impression that bowling paints a picture to my “audience” (family, friends, coworkers) that I am not a failure.
  3. I am relying on that audience to tell me who I am: that I am not a failure based on my performance.
  4. So long as the audience does not see me fail then I am not a failure

 

In short, I am performing for this audience in a specific way so that I will be perceived in such a way that disproves my message. I am holding other people responsible for the way I think and feel about myself. Can you see how I am on thin ice? I would barely hand over my car keys to a fraction of this audience but I am so eagerly handing over my self-worth? Not my smartest decision.

So now what? I can no longer bowl. I still feel like a failure and now I can’t even let my friends tell me I’m not? Where do I go from here?

The first step is believing that the old message is a lie.  This alone can be a hurdle.  But if we can begin to question its authenticity then we can create room for truth. What is my truth?

Lets keep it simple. Lets start with the opposite of the lie. For example, the opposite of failure is success. Now, that does not seem to fit for me. It is important that it fits.  It is important that you can believe the new message is true. So I look for other words (right click/scroll/Synonyms): achievement, winner, competent, skilled. Competent. I try it on. “I am competent.” That fits. Competent does not mean that I will never make another mistake or fail again but it implies that I will know when I have and how to correct it. It implies that I will continue to improve and I will know what to do in light of obstacles.

As I start to live and interact out of my new message a few things begin to shift:

  1. I have decided that my new message is true and that my old message is false.
  2. My new message encompasses all of my actions without judgment.
  3. There is no longer an audience to perform for.
  4. I am solely responsible for how I think and feel about myself.

When I live out of my new message, my true message, I am able to live freely.  I am no longer dependent upon what I think others are thinking about me. My focus remains on my truth and my decisions, thoughts and actions are all made based on what is appropriate for me and my life’s circumstances, no one else’s.

 

Ashlee Secord, MA, LMFT provides counseling to individuals, families and couples in the south metro.

Do you hear your inner voice? I think we all have an inner voice of some sort. The fastest way to finding that inner voice is to make a mistake. Miss your designated exit off the highway, stub your toe or forget an appointment scheduled for over a month. Can you hear your inner voice yet? In the therapy world it is referred to as self-talk, more specifically, negative self-talk. It is our general frame of mind toward ourselves.

Our negative self-talk comes from our personal messages that we believe about ourselves. These personal messages reside in each of us and are more than likely a negative message, which would make sense that negative self-talk comes from negative messages. Here are some sample personal messages that seem to be common among my clients, friends and family, “I am a failure.” “I am a fake.” “I am not enough.” “I am too much.” “I am ugly.” “I don’t have what it takes.” Pretty depressing stuff!

Now, in a brief sentence, these messages were generated as decisions we made about ourselves in response to past experiences we have had. We live out of these messages each and every day of our lives. Correction, we live in fear that these messages are true and do what we can to create a life that will send a different message to whomever may receive it. For instance, if I believe that I am a failure, I may attempt to do everything in my power to be the best, whichever “best” that holds the most value to me (and possibly others close to me). For the sake of the conversation lets say I want to be the best at bowling. I believe that if I am the best at bowling: if I get a perfect score, throw the ball with perfect form, participate in the World Tenpin Bowling Championships, then others will be unable to see that I am a failure at heart. So long as I am able to keep up this appearance then no one will find out that I am a failure.

But life happens, I sprain my wrist and disaster strikes.

At this very instance my plan to keep others from seeing that I am a failure, failed! Double fail! Now my message is both confirmed and seemingly exposed.

The closer we are to our negative personal messages the worse we feel about ourselves. We now perceive the negative message as truth because of the new “evidence” that has come to light. Since I am no longer able to bowl and demonstrate that I am NOT a failure I am only left to believe that, in fact, I am one. Enter the pity party, self-loathing, increased anxiety and depression symptoms. It is here that we are most discouraged. It is here that our messages feel the most true and it is here that we feel as though there is nothing we can do about it.

But that isn’t the whole truth. Actually, it’s not true at all.

Next week Ashlee Secord will continue the conversation about personal messages and how we can stop living out of those messages and begin moving toward our personal truth.  Contact Ashlee for more information on therapy, self-confidence and self-esteem issues.

© 2025 Ashlee Secord, MA, LMFT
Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area.